Counter-harrassing the TSA: My girlfriend got me a swtichblade-comb
My girlfriend gets me a comb disguised as a switchblade knife, the TSA hates it.
I think it started when we watched the 80s classic Back to the Beach and I decided Bobby – whose most memorable trait was frequently using a comb designed like a switchblade – was the coolest guy in the history of cinema.
It was a long distance relationship, and the next time I flew to see her, she had a present. This was it:
I trust you’re already in agreement this is the coolest gift ever. And it came with an added benefit: It was guaranteed to ruffle the TSA. Looking good AND antagonizing the TSA… Win-win.
When it was time to go home, she dropped me off at the airport at 6am. Despite getting almost no sleep, I was pretty charged up to introduce the TSA to my new, menacing toy.
In luggage-ransack-phase of my TSA screening, an agent pulls the switch-comb from my backpack, turns it over a few times, then turns to me-
“Sir, can I have you engage the device so I can confirm it’s not on our list of prohibited items?”
Let’s take a moment and bask in the genius of the TSA, in step-by-step glory:
- TSA finds a suspicious device in the luggage of a convicted terrorist.
- TSA gets concerned.
- TSA hands it to convicted terrorist.
- TSA asks convicted terrorist to demonstrate the suspicious device.
Because it’s impossible to achieve this level of comedy by accident, there is an obvious alternative: They know their job is a joke, that no one on The List is a threat to them or US airspace, and just fumble through their day entertaining themselves with fake “security protocols” to keep things interesting before clocking out and shoplifting bottles of Naked Juice from Wal-Mart.
So in a dramatic, spring-loaded climax, I pushed the button and unleashed the comb. He stared at it for a second. I think he was actually impressed.
If having good hair is terrorism, then may my next flight be to Guantanamo.