TSA Freaks Out Over My Starbucks Coffee Bomb

Dec 1, 2014 by

TSA Freaks Out Over My Starbucks Coffee Bomb

Idiocy reaches new levels as the TSA goes on Red Alert over my Starbucks mug.

Someone, for the love of God, please tell me how I can covertly record these clowns. This stuff is too good.

Where: San Diego airport. When: 7am. Why: Because they are small people with small lives and smaller brains.

This time I was actually not trying to provoke them. I wish I could take credit for what happened next, but it was simply an accident.

I got coffee in my silver bullet Starbucks mug en route to the airport. I meant to drink it, but instead I threw it in my bag and forgot about it.

Until I was on far side of security, getting my bag screened for terrorist devices by the TSA. My coffee had made it past every “no liquids’ sign, and actually made it through the X-ray, undetected. It wasn’t until they were taking my bag apart that a TSA guy reached into my backpack and came up with the Starbucks mug. Then he shook it. Then he freaked.

Him: “What is in here?”

Me: “It’s a coffee mug.”

Him: “Did this go through the x-ray?”

Me: “Are you kidding?”

Him: “This is a prohibited item. There’s are no liquids allowed on any flight. This should not have been allowed through.”

He was looking at me like 1) I cared, and 2) This was anything other than his problem.

“I think you need to talk to your X-ray people.’

He shook the mug again, then took walked away and formed a TSA-guy huddle 40 feet away. They talked about my Starbucks bomb for several minutes.

He came back.

“What did you say was in here?”

“Are you kidding? Look at it. It’s coffee.”

This was well past the point of stupid. He handed me the mug.

“This shouldn’t have been allowed through. We’re going to look into how that happened. In the meantime you have to decide if you want to take it back out through security and do something with it, or throw it away.”

“LOOK,” I barked. It’s coffee.”

I gripped the lid and started to untwist it. He freaked, lunged towards me, and ripped it from my hand.

“No! You can’t open it!” he shouted.

“What are you doing?!” I yelled.

“We don’t know what’s in there or if it presents a security danger. We can’t allow you to open containers of liquid past the security checkpoint!” He was yelling.

“It’s COFFEE.” I was yelling too.

I gave him a few heated words. When I go Alex Jones on these people, I sort of black out.

I was late for my flight. I told him to throw the coffee away. But I was going to make it cost him.

“You feel like a real big man you pathetic clown? You think you’re making this country safer? You’re destroying it. Shame on you.”

Look, this wasn’t a Malcolm X speech. It was 6 am, so give me a break.

Anyone who wants to donate dozens and dozens of Starbucks mugs so I can duplicate this incident every time I fly, get in touch.



-Jetsetting Terrorist

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  1. Fester Addams

    I wonder what would happen if you legally changed you name (if you can?) to, say, Mr. Priority-boarding. Or, given the way they page you at the gate, Alar Flites-Kanceled?

  2. Pudintane

    Get a necktie camera to wear while going through security.

  3. Max-1

    The funny irony is that the TSA agent “shook it” and carried it around THEN handed it back to you to dispose of yourself. Ever see that trash can at screening filled with half empty liquid bombs? Yep. Who disposes of these liquid bombs stored AT security check points? A bomb crew… NOT! Someone paid minimum wage to collect “garbage”. Yep, our “security” is monitored by a minimum wage garbage collector. What would that person do should there be a real liquid bomb sitting in a trash can AT security? Shake it up and boom!

  4. Shitfuck

    You do know the actual reason why you’re flagged as a “terrorist”, right? It probably wasn’t just your act of freeing some ferrets or whatever. If I had to bet money on it, it’s probably because you openly associated yourself with the ALF. I agree that the entities attacked where engaged in crimes against animals and they probably at least *kinda* deserved it, but…

    you’ve also gotta accept the fucking repercussions of your antics. Stop being a dipshit to people who don’t deserve you wasting their time because you’re butthurt about the consequences of your choices.

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