I Broke Him: On TSA Resistance And The Merits Of Mockery

by

Bygone are the days of listless TSA agents giving terrorists half-hearted patdowns, barely making contact, and merely putting on a passable performance for the benefit of any supervisor watching the cameras.

Today, they pat down terrorists like they mean it.

And some mean it more than others.

They pat terrorists down like our veins may be running with nitroglycerine. Like our marrow is concealing butterfly knives. Like our spinal cord is a sword (“spinal sword” in terrorist parlance).

At a 90-degree angle, you’d be billed for shiatsu massage. On your feet, it’s called a TSA Patdown 2.0.

I liked the old days better.

Never trust a TSA agent who likes his job

This guy in Denver was really, really, really into his job. As he patted me down, I took a moment to personally applaud his work ethic.

Me: “You really enjoy your job, don’t you.”

TSA: “This is what we’re required to do, sir.”

Me: “No, I mean you really enjoy your job.”

He threw his hands in the air and took two steps back.

TSA: “I don’t have to take this sir. I don’t have to take this…”

Me: “I said you enjoy your job.”

TSA: “I’m not going to take this from you.”

Me: “Are you saying you don’t enjoy your job?”

TSA: “You have been selected for screening and this is what we’re required to do.”

Me: “If you don’t enjoy your job, you should take that up with your boss.”

Etc etc.

A few laps of that, and he exploded in a dramatic display of:

*tear off gloves*

*shake head violently in despair and indignance*

*gets consoled by other agents in a pathetic huddle*

As a society, we have achieved “peak loser” when a man sworn to protect us against terrorists can’t emotionally cope with being accused of liking his job.

He walked off somewhere to sob or whatever, and a new guy with gloves approached, presumably to complete the aborted pat down.

“Are we going to have any problems?”

“Do you like your job as much as the last guy?”

In defense of mockery

When they say: “<insert unpopular tactic> doesn’t accomplish anything,” they don’t tell you that doing nothing accomplishes just as much.

When faced with any gangsters hiding behind ordained power , here is the best you can hope for:

Make it difficult for them to do their job while not going to jail.

If you can find that Golden Mean, you’re victorious.

Dear terrorists, psychological warfare is our sole recourse. We will eat them from the inside out, provoke their deepest sense of inadequacy, remind them we get the last laugh because we’re going somewhere cool and they’re stuck at Fargo International.

It’s not the snake bite that kills you. It’s the venom that runs through your veins long after the snake is gone.

No, verbal degradation doesn’t “accomplish anything.” Yet neither does creating a frictionless path from their boot to the Constitution.

“Long live physical intrusions having emotional consequences.”