Flying Internationally As A Convicted Terrorist, Part V

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Customs misses the one thing they wanted most, and it was right in front of them.

It was probably my first trip to Europe, early in my tenure on The List. From talking to terrorist friends, I knew enough to know one thing about US Customs:

They don’t want your drugs. They don’t want your bombs. They don’t want your counterfeit DVDs. They want your data.

That elaborate ritual involving tearing your luggage apart, asking the address of the person you stayed with, and disappearing in the back with you cell for an hour?

Well for you, that might be about the drugs. For terrorists, its about the intel. They want the computer. They want the data.

With no Constitutional protections, the border is a goldmine for law enforcement. In the three times my residences have been searched (yes, I’ve been raided three times in animal rights investigations), the better part of the actual warrants called for confiscation of data: hard drives, USB storage devices, anything with data.

At the border, no such warrant was required.

So on my return trip from Europe, I was prepared. I didn’t yet have a burner laptop (that came later), but did I have my hard drive double-PGP-encrypted.

My laptop was in a black slipcase. And it approximated the size of my black suitcase. Which had black lining.

After holding every item of clothing up to the light and reading every page in my Moleskine, the Customs guy turns and says

“Where’s your computer?”

As I say nothing, I’m literally looking at my computer.

I wasn’t in the clear yet, but this was no small victory. If found, my computer would be taken to a room. When they encountered the encryption, they would emerge and ask for my key. When I wouldn’t give it to them, they would give me a receipt and keep it indefinitely. (Not a conspiracy theory, this is what happens as a matter of protocol).

He literally bear hugs my clothes, drops them back into my suitcase, and zips it up.

And 10 minutes later, I left with my unmolested, undiscovered computer and a new understanding of the term “keystone cops.”

The takeaways

Brave soldiers are keeping your borders secure, America. And as long as the Taliban doesn’t paint their suitcase nuke the same color as the suitcase, we’ll live to get violated by Customs another day…