I Met A TSA Agent Who Has Never Been On A Plane

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I don’t verbally abuse TSA agents all the time. Sometimes I keep it restrained to understated mockery.

And at times, nothing is required of me to achieve this mockery but to just let them talk.

I was caught in what I call “Podium Purgatory,” where they call for a supervisor and we just stand around in awkward silence for a few minutes. But this TSA agent wanted to talk.

I had read some DHS document on Infowars.com or something, about how they tell everyone from TSA agents to rental car clerks to engage suspicious people in small talk and report back with what they learn.

I assume that’s why they always take these moments to ask “where ya headed today?” (like it isn’t on the boarding pass they’re holding).  I usually shut them down immediately.

But this guy was too much of a simpleton to read a DHS memo. He just wanted to talk about how busy the airport was today.

“Been like this all week! Must be some kind of holiday I’ve never heard of…”

“Arbor day.” I said.

Waiting for the supervisor, the conversation turned to the inconsistency of TSA “policy.”

“Why does one out  of ten airports make me throw my toothpaste away, but not the other nine?” I asked.

He said something about how the TSA and aviation in general has a lot of “rules” they don’t enforce.

“Like the ‘turn off cell phones’ thing on flights,” I said. “They say it, but they don’t do anything to enforce it.”

“Ha, I wouldn’t know. I’ve never been on one of those things,” He said.

“What things?”

Please say what I think you’re going to say please say what I think you’re going to say please say…

“Airplanes.”

Airplanes. He said airplanes.

He’s never been on an airplane.

That’s it. The TSA is no longer a worthy adversary. They’re just making it too easy.

Airplanes.