TSA Embarrassing Themselves: Lightning Round

by

An attempt to round up every scribbled note from various Delta napkins that didn’t justify a full story.

Episode One

Airport:

Don’t remember.

Scene:

Podium Purgatory small talk, waiting for a “supervisor.”

Words:

TSA: “Headed to San Diego?”

Me: *Nod*

TSA: “What’s in San Francisco?”

Me: “San Diego.”

TSA: “Ah… Rice A Roni!”

Me: “That’s San Francisco.”

TSA: “Ah, known for its rocky beaches!”

Me: “THAT’S SAN FRANCISCO.”

Episode Two

Airport:

Denver.

Scene:

Luggage search.

Words:

TSA: “What’s this?” Holds up car key, recently epoxied because it broke and those things cost $300.

Me: “You must be joking.”

TSA: “Why is it like this?” *Drags finger along badly epoxied seam*

Me: *Shakes head rolls eyes*

TSA: *Asks again*

Me: *Death stare*

Episode Three

Airport:

Don’t remember.

Scene:

Podium Purgatory small talk.

Words:

TSA: “Where ya headed today?”

Me: “That’s, like, so none of your business.”

Notes:

I totally excel at talking to TSA agents like I’m 14 and female and its 1985.

Episode Four

Airport:

Don’t remember.

Scene:

Two hour delay at Spirit desk. Refusing to check me in. No one giving me answers. Desk person hands me a phone to speak with a supervisor.

Words:

Me: “What’s your name.”

Him: “I can’t reveal that for security reasons.”

Me: “Why am I a security concern.”

Him: <Tells me it was my choice to get put on The List and the delay is my fault>

Me: “Hold on, I want to hold my phone up to record this…”

Him: “I consider you recording me to be a security risk.”

Click.

Episode Five

Airport:

Atlanta.

Scene:

That thing where they set up checkpoints at the gate on all my layovers now.

Words:

*My zone called, me approaching gate, TSA agent stops me, extends hand holding weird cotton ball thing at the end of a stick*

TSA: Sir, I’m going to need to do some additional screening on….. your coffee.”

*Swabs coffee cup, runs through explosive residue machine*

Notes:

That’s it. We can all go home now.

“I’m going to need to do some additional screening on your coffee.”

That just happened. And she just said that. Unironically.

We’ve crossed the Rubicon.

Goodbye security theater. Hello security parody.